Like the First Snow

This is a flashback of times after the show’s finale when Soyong finally opens up about Bong Hwan.

This might feel out of character but considering Soyong’s depression before the show and her pregnancy now, she’s more sensitive and a bit confused herself. From her Cheoljong is cruel but from his pov Soyong is cruel. It’s just very hard times for them, a rock bottom. How they overcome it is the key to strong relationships.

Soyong has always lived by Joseon era rules. That has made her life simple and well-ordered. Meanwhile, the spirit from the future had not given a damn about rules and did everything he wanted. Soyong had liked the feeling of freedom she felt alongside the spirit when they challenged the usual social norms. But the spirit is gone and she’s the perfect yangban lady again.

She tries to be blatant in expressing her thoughts at first, but it feels so forced that she stops recognizing herself. And it feels so wrong, and no matter how hard she tries to squeeze “My King” or “King” out of her instead of “Your Majesty”, she just can’t. The spirit on the other hand thought he was above the King himself and always felt the need to remind him about it. He addressed Cheoljong on the same level as the Grand Queen Dowager.

Soyong doesn’t want to be above the King. She wants to be his equal partner in life and in ruling the country. So she doesn’t feel the need to address him in any way other than “Your Majesty”.

The realization that she doesn’t quite understand who she is now doesn’t come to her right away. But life isn’t the same once she becomes aware of that. Anxiety comes back into her life, and pregnancy doesn’t help her at all in controlling her emotions which leads to a gloomier mood.

Soyong asks to make a copy of the King’s casual hanbok from their accidental meeting in the kisaeng¹Kisaeng were women from outcast or slave families who were trained to be courtesans, providing artistic entertainment and conversation to men of the upper class. house. The King had boldly worn clothes made from cloth stolen from his father-in-law’s storage. But back then he had to get rid of it so no one figured out he attacked his own wife. So when Soyong finds a bit more cloth in her father’s storage, she decides to use it. It’s not just a gift but a reminder to herself that she was also part of this adventure. She was there when the King put the sword to her neck. She shared all those moments the spirit had with the King and sometimes she even felt she was fully ruling her own body.

“My Queen, you shouldn’t have!” The King is pleasantly surprised by the gift. He’s so cute with his sudden shyness when she shows more attention to him than usual.

But of course, the spirit brought a bit of a mess into their relationship, pushing the King away when he didn’t like sensing too many feelings. Unaccustomed to such tenderness, Cheoljong always appreciates these formerly rare moments more. But no one can call him cute, that’s strictly forbidden of course!

“Please, Your Majesty, don’t try to oppose me again on this one!” She teases him and a wide smile appears on Cheoljong’s face.

“We have both been so busy the last few weeks.” Cheoljong puts the gift to the side and takes Soyong’s hands in his, caressing her fingers. “How are you feeling, my Queen? Is everything alright with our child?”

“We are both doing well, Your Majesty. We have a very healthy appetite, and our baby is growing steadily and kicking more often,” Soyong laughs. She leads Cheoljong’s hands to her belly, hoping the child starts moving. She wants Cheoljong to experience these moments as much as possible.

The King leans forward to her belly to address the baby:

“O-ho, my child, didn’t your appa²Appa – informal for father aka daddy. tell you to take care of your omma³Omma – informal for mother aka mommy.?” he asks jokingly.

Surprisingly, the child starts moving, and as usual, this brings a delightful reaction from Cheoljong. Every time it happens he is just as excited as the first time:

“My son is so strong!”

“Your Majesty, it could be a girl…” Soyong notes.

“Whoever it will be, I will love our child all the same,” Cheoljong promises. “By the way, my Queen, are you really alright? I heard you stopped visiting the royal kitchen,” he asks worriedly and Soyong suddenly feels cold. “I didn’t have a chance to try your food. I apologize for neglecting it at the banquet back then. I felt so anxious that I lost my appetite,” Cheoljong admits, lowering his gaze.

“I’m sorry too,” Soyong tries hard to hold back her emotions, but she feels the tears well in her eyes. He is never going to try Bong Hwan’s marvelous dishes made from his hands.

“And it seems… Sorry, maybe I am overthinking, but you speak differently,” Cheoljong looks up into her eyes again and his gaze changes from genuinely curious to worried.

“You do not like the way I speak?” Soyong asks quietly.

“That is not what I meant, my Queen!” Seeing how upset that made her, he tries to clarify. “I don’t want you to pretend, my Queen. Just be your usual self.”

I don’t want you to pretend. Be your usual self.

“I need to go, Your Majesty. Please forgive me!” Soyong rushes out of his study without letting him say anything else. Behind her, she hears Cheoljong ask the Head Eunuch what he did wrong, and the attendant says it must be because of the emotions of a pregnant woman.

Soyong walks so fast that her procession of servants can barely keep up, and Court Lady Choi is nagging her about it, of course. Tears flow down her cheeks and fall freely onto her dangui⁴Dangui is an upper garment with a white collar tied together by ribbons. The other name for this garment is jeogori., but she doesn’t bother trying to brush them off. She sits down in front of the stone where Bong Hwan’s name is engraved and, swallowing her tears, gives a promise:

“Forgive me, lake ghost! Selfishly, I thought I could stay silent and move on with my life. But now I see how important you are to His Majesty. I will tell him everything because he must know about you, Jang Bong Hwan,” Soyong slides her palm over his name. “I’m sorry you were separated…”

“Your Highness shouldn’t react so emotionally…” Soyong hears Court Lady Choi’s worried voice. “Please, you must calm down for the sake of the child you bear.”

“You are right, Court Lady Choi. I will make everything right, because otherwise I can’t live peacefully!” Soyong gets up, brushes off her tears, and walks back to Daejojeon Hall⁵Daejojeon Hall – Queen of Joseon residence after the wedding..

The rest of the day and night she ponders how to explain everything to the King. In a way, he believed in the existence of the spirit from the future. But he didn’t understand that it wasn’t Soyong but someone else. He never separated them.

In a few days, Soyong feels ready for the big talk. She decides to wear pale pink and yellow colors, as she did on the day when she was officially chosen as the future Queen of Joseon. It reminds her of simpler times when she didn’t question who she is.

“Her Highness the Queen!” The eunuch in front of the King’s study announces her arrival. The doors slide open and she walks in, raising her skirts. Just like the day when he read the scroll with her appointment, the King sits on his throne, a slight smile playing on his lips.

“My Queen, at last! I apologize for upsetting you the last time. You are very sensitive right now and need special care. I just wanted to make sure you are alright.” The King steps down from his throne and walks towards her.

“Everything is alright. Your Majesty helped me make an important decision,” Soyong says calmly and the King frowns upon hearing that statement. “Can we sit first? I think this conversation is going to be difficult for both of us.”

“Of course…” The King is puzzled, but he leads her towards the table and pulls back a chair for her. He sits at the head of the table, turning towards her. “You are scaring me, my Queen. What is going on?”

“For the whole night I was thinking what exactly I’m going to say, but now all the right words have vanished from my mind,” Soyong says nervously. “Your Majesty, I want to tell you about the woman you are in love with.”

“Why are you talking about yourself in the third person again?” The King looks very worried. “What do you mean?”

“You yourself have noticed that I’m not that woman anymore.” Soyong clenches her hands into fists resting on her knees.

“If you are referring to the last time, I just want you to live comfortably being yourself,” the King explains to her again.

“But I am myself, Your Majesty,” Soyong says, looking into his eyes. She promised herself she would not start crying, but tears still appear in her eyes. “I’m really not pretending.”

“My Queen, I don’t understand…”

“You didn’t fall in love with me, Your Majesty,” she blurts out in one breath. “On the night when I jumped into the lake, I met a man in the deep water. The man who desperately wanted to live when I wanted to die.”

“Someone else drowned in the lake?” Cheoljong asks, confused.

“That was the spirit of the man from the future. And neither he nor I understood how it happened exactly, but he appeared in my body. The spirit possessed my body.”

“What nonsense!” the King retorts harshly.

“He told you about that right before the wedding, don’t you remember?” Soyong tries to find the words but doesn’t know how to explain everything better. “The spirit married you. The spirit pulled you out of the well when you lost consciousness there. The spirit saved your banquet. The spirit went into the woods to save your life.”

“Stop it!” The King rises onto his feet abruptly and walks towards the middle of the room, turning his back on Soyong.

“The spirit is the true owner of those strange words from Queen’s Dictionary. The spirit cooked all those amazing dishes. The spirit acted so boldly. The spirit taught you social science…” Soyong doesn’t stop, continuing the list of things the spirit did. “You fell in love with a male spirit pretending to be me.” She stops, thinking it’s not right to say it that way. “No… That is the wrong word, he continued living my life instead of me.”

“And where were you?” The King turns around and she sees tears in his eyes. “If the spirit did all those things, where were you?

“Hiding.” Soyong’s voice is trembling, and her cheeks are wet from tears now. “I was hiding, Your Majesty…”

“Hiding?” he repeats after her in a whisper.

“For the most part, yes. There were moments when I started to believe I was fading away and the spirit thought the same about himself. We both didn’t understand what was happening. I can’t tell you how much of my decisions were in what the spirit did.”

“This is why you are… different…” The King can’t look at her anymore and turns away again.

Soyong understands that he needs time to process everything and it’s better to leave now. When she reaches the door, she turns to him again.

“Your Majesty,” she calls out and her heart breaks seeing how this address makes him flinch. “I am begging you… Please, do not despise me again.”

Soyong hasn’t felt so much pain since the night when Cheoljong rejected her. She goes back to Daejojeon Hall and gives in to her tears despite Court Lady Choi’s nagging. Her whole body shudders in sobs, and no matter how much she wipes her tears, they do not stop pouring. Hong Yeon hugs her tightly and wordlessly soothes her by rubbing circles on her back.

She doesn’t know how long she sits on the floor in Hong Yeon’s warm embrace, feeling completely numb.

“Your Highness, you need to eat…” Court Lady Choi tries to draw her attention, but Soyong doesn’t react to her words. She doesn’t want to eat. She doesn’t want anything at all. But she smells something familiar and it makes her pull away from Hong Yeon’s embrace and sit up straight.

“What is that?” Soyong asks hesitantly.

“I was not sure if Your Highness would like it or not. I apologize.” Court Lady Choi gives a signal to the servant to bring a tray with a little pot on it. “Lately, things that used to make Your Highness happy now upset you.”

“Is it ramyeon?” Soyong asks without opening the pot.

“I apologize. If you don’t like it, I will ask the kitchen to prepare other dishes too.” Court Lady Choi starts to fuss.

“No, leave it.” Soyong lifts the pot’s lid and inhales the aroma of the noodles. Bong Hwan adored ramyeon. As Soyong understands, instant noodles are an important dish in people’s lives in the future. So important that they express their love through ramyeon. And their deepest desires.

“I need to know…” Soyong mutters, taking the chopsticks in her hands and licking her lips. “I need to understand what left and what still remains. I need to understand who I am.”

Soyong understands she probably looks like an insane woman, looking at the noodles with wide eyes. From others’ point of view, she speaks nonsense, but she really doesn’t understand who she is now. What has been left behind by Bong Hwan? She must know and she will do it experimentally. Soyong stirs the noodles, takes a bit onto the chopsticks, blows on them, and puts them in her mouth.

The noisier the tastier.

Soyong recalls the spirit’s thoughts and noisily sucks the noodles into her mouth. The noodles are hot but do not burn her tongue. Bong Hwan prefered it spicier, but Court Lady Choi probably requested to have it made more mild for the sake of her pregnancy. And Soyong knows this feast is an exception that Court Lady Choi made only because Soyong is so upset. Soon, the strict and nagging court lady will return to forbid everything.

On the next day, Soyong visits the royal kitchen. Which of course annoys Man Bok, but upon seeing his beloved court lady’s strict look, he allows Soyong to try to cook. But it leads to a total disaster.

Soyong clumsily cuts vegetables with a large knife and, of course, cuts herself in the process. Court Lady Choi patiently bandages Soyong’s finger but doesn’t say a word, so Soyong continues. She washes rice in water and places it over a low flame to cook. While it’s cooking, she peels onions.

Bong Hwan always knew in what order every ingredient must be prepared, but Soyong seems to mess up everything. She starts to cut onions and, of course, tears fall down her cheeks. At one point, she swears she hears Court Lady Choi make a whining noise, but under Soyong’s pitiful, tearful gaze she stays silent. Meanwhile, the rice begins to burn, as Man Bok generously notes to her…

Soyong stands in the kitchen courtyard while Man Bok and his men clean up the carnage from her cooking. Soyong’s face is still wet from tears and covered in soot. And, of course, at that moment, the King appears in the kitchen courtyard.

Why? Why is it that when she hits her rock bottom he’s always there to see it?

“My Queen, what…” He approaches her and his eyes examine her body. “What happened?”

“I wanted to know if I was still able to cook…” Soyong says in a tired voice, looking at the empty space behind him. “I guess I found the answer.”

Cheoljong takes her by her shoulders and leads her away from the kitchen courtyard. The servants in his entourage look at her with amused smirks, but the Head Eunuch hisses at them to show respect.

“You must be careful, you are with child…” the King says and Soyong frees herself from his touch.

“Is that all you care about, Your Majesty?” Soyong asks and sees again how he doesn’t like that address anymore. “I have to ask Your Majesty to mind Your Majesty’s own business while I do mine. Or does Your Majesty want to lock me up in Daejojeon Hall until I give birth to your,”—and his, Soyong thinks to herself—“child? Is that what Your Majesty really wants?”

Soyong purposely uses his formal address as much as possible, and it looks like it makes the King furious. He huffs, looking as though he is about to answer, but changes his mind, and in the end, he decides to leave.

The following days are very strange. Cheoljong comes to her with specific questions about their past interactions and she patiently explains what happened, what the spirit did, and what she did. Sometimes he asks questions in a pleading manner, begging for answers to be different, but she, yet again, gives all credit to the spirit. On other days, he is too harsh and gets harsh answers in return.

In her free time, Soyong continues to discover what was left of the spirit in her. She can’t throw knives anymore; it was evident on her first try. But she could have guessed that when she failed in the kitchen. Her vocabulary is still intact, but she only remembers words the spirit said or thought about, so apart from the entries in Queen’s Dictionary, she knows just a few new words. Playing neolttwigi⁶Neolttwigi is similar to seesaw, except that participants stand on each end of the Neol (board) and jump, propelling the person opposite into the air. When performed as a spectacle, acrobatic tricks such as flips or skipping rope while in the air are often included.
It is thought that Yangban women developed Neolttwigi to see over the walls that surrounded their homes, as women in traditional Korea were rarely allowed out of their living compounds, except at night. is forbidden in her current state, but Soyong knows her limits. She couldn’t do a backflip, but she’s great at jumping in general.

“This is the last Cha Eun Woo novel…” Hong Yeon presents the book, caressing the brand new cover.

Soyong, Court Lady Choi, and Hong Yeon sit at the table in the library. Today, Soyong tries to figure out if she still likes to read these novels or not.

Bong Hwan loved them, the juicier the better. Soyong on the other hand had never felt the desire to read vulgar books. But surprisingly, once she starts reading it, she isn’t able to stop. Hong Yeon and Court Lady Choi sit beside her, their faces close to her, and they are simultaneously gasping in surprise at the plot twists. Soyong covers her mouth shyly and feels her cheeks start to blush when they reach the vivid description of the date between a young maiden and a handsome tall warrior.

“His Majesty the King!” They suddenly hear the eunuch’s voice and the doors to the library slide open. Her maids jump to their feet to greet the King. Recently, he came to her with more and more muddled feelings and the tone of his voice was ruder.

“Leave us!” the King commands in a stern voice, and Soyong feels that the conversation will be unpleasant again. She grabs Court Lady Choi’s elbow and looks at her pleadingly. She’s too sensitive right now and he doesn’t even have to try to make her feel upset. “What are you waiting for?” The King’s voice is impatient and annoyed.

Court Lady Choi looks at Soyong hesitantly, asking with her eyes whether she should stay or not. Soyong takes a deep breath and releases her friend’s elbow. But Court Lady Choi still doesn’t go away and waits for Soyong’s nod that everything is alright. As she passes by the King, the court lady gives him a stern look before she leaves the library.

When they are left alone, Soyong gets up on her feet to finally greet him. But Cheoljong rushes to her so fast that she bumps into the table behind her out of surprise. He approaches closer, placing his hands behind her back on the table, his eyes never leaving hers. His intense gaze searches for something in her eyes, and she doesn’t know if he finds his answer or not.

“I need to… I need to check…” Cheoljong comes even closer.

Soyong only has time to squeak in response as his lips almost touch hers. She pushes him away harshly with two hands and steps away to create a safe distance from him. She remembers how in this very library, the spirit wanted to check his feelings towards the King. Both Bong Hwan and now Cheoljong wanted to test something by using her body. That makes her angry because she’s the person, she’s the owner of this body. She may have hid in her own mind, healing her wounds, but she never left herself.

Does this heart belong to the body or to the soul?

To both, Jang Bong Hwan. To her body and her soul!

“Your Majesty, do not insult me anymore with such things,” Soyong declares, breathing heavily. Cheoljong stays by the table, now leaning on it with his fists. Not waiting for his answer, Soyong leaves the library in a hurry. Her heart pounds quickly and she can’t calm down even when she’s within the safety of the walls of Daejojeon Hall.

But the situation doesn’t get better. In the late evening when Soyong is about to go to sleep, the King visits her again.

She is as patient as she can be. She tries her best to explain everything and she understands his suffering. But patience has its limits and she has reached hers.

“I apologize, my Queen, but I need to check…” He approaches her, looking hopefully into her eyes. “Don’t you understand?”

“And what does Your Majesty want me to do?” Soyong asks coldly. Her face is an emotionless mask. She’s tired. She’s so damn tired. “Oh, I know!” She claps her hands. “Should I undress and lie down?” she asks in a mocking voice.

“Don’t be like this…” She sees unshed tears and pain in his eyes. The pain she wishes she could soothe, but she can’t. Not when he behaves like this.

“Like what? Don’t you like it when I’m rude to you? Doesn’t it remind you of the old times?” Soyong finds the strings to her nightdress and tries to untie them with shaking hands. “How can I refuse the royal command?”

Cheoljong stops her by grabbing her hands by the wrists.

“Stop it!” He’s hurt, and she sees it, but she’s hurt more. Tears now fall from his eyes and his voice is on the edge of a whisper. “I shouldn’t have come back and fought for the throne. My family was more important. Then, my family…”

“And I am not your family?” Soyong’s voice is trembling and she’s crying too.

“That is not what I meant…” Cheoljong looks like he’s frightened by his own words. “Please, my Queen, you misunderstand!”

“Out…” Soyong says quietly. He doesn’t move or respond, still holding her wrists. “OUT!” she screams now and he flinches at her loud voice. “Out, out, out…” she repeats over and over again. He finally releases her hands and walks away in a hurry. She doesn’t stop her cry even when he leaves the room and Hong Yeon and Court Lady Choi run in to comfort her. They hug her while she sobs and drives Cheoljong out of her thoughts.

Author’s notes

I think at first SY felt confused with her own changes and need time to understand who she is without BH because she’s not her old self either.

Which part broke you the most? For me is final and when she asked don’t hate her again. My poor baby doesn’t deserve this shit. I legit cried while writing this chapter T_T

CJ, can you test who you love without making it physical? It’s kinda unfair.

The next part is CJ’s pov will be posted tomorrow, and I hope I give his point of view justice.

PS I need to clarify, the kiss in the library was consensual. SY wanted it, CJ wanted it, BH wanted it to check his feelings. However, the trigger point here is that both BH and CJ want to check feelings by using her body and without asking her first.

• 1
  Kisaeng were women from outcast or slave families who were trained to be courtesans, providing artistic entertainment and conversation to men of the upper class.
• 2
  Appa – informal for father aka daddy.
• 3
  Omma – informal for mother aka mommy.
• 4
  Dangui is an upper garment with a white collar tied together by ribbons. The other name for this garment is jeogori.
• 5
  Daejojeon Hall – Queen of Joseon residence after the wedding.
• 6
  Neolttwigi is similar to seesaw, except that participants stand on each end of the Neol (board) and jump, propelling the person opposite into the air. When performed as a spectacle, acrobatic tricks such as flips or skipping rope while in the air are often included.
  It is thought that Yangban women developed Neolttwigi to see over the walls that surrounded their homes, as women in traditional Korea were rarely allowed out of their living compounds, except at night.