Like the First Snow

Spring has arrived with a clear sky and a soft warm breeze. It’s the perfect weather for walking and spending time outside. Cheoljong decides to spend the day in his favorite pavilion near the lake, where it feels fresh and calming. For the last few days he can’t stop thinking about Soyong’s story. And if he’s being honest with himself, he still doesn’t know how to feel about it.

He decides to go back to the start with the two items now placed on his lower desk: the red ribbon Soyong gave to him when they first met at the palace and the Queen’s Dictionary that he wrote to understand his wife better. He gazes at the two items that symbolize two different people.

The ribbon reminds Cheoljong of the day he first laid eyes on Soyong at the palace. Unlike usual, he was alone after making a huge scene on the training field, pretending that he was hurt from a small cut on his forearm. Back then, he had to act as an ignorant king, feigning that he couldn’t swing a sword or shoot a bow properly.

On that cold day, rain mixed with snow and he tried to find cover under an awning. He didn’t notice Soyong’s presence beside him at first, but once he looked into her eyes he felt a deep connection with her. She looked so innocent and pure. He peered into her face trying to understand why she looked so familiar, but no matter how he tried he couldn’t remember. Of course it was impossible to recognize that strange girl from the well in her. The girl who wanted to die down there, but then changed her mind and went on to save his life as well. He’ll be forever grateful to her for that.

Cheoljong then turns his attention to the Queen’s Dictionary, and he’s reminded of how Soyong became even more strange after falling into the lake. Her peculiar way of speech inspired him to start writing the dictionary. It is filled with new words whose meanings were only correct if the Queen directly gave him an explanation. The dictionary reminds him of times when she would speak arrogantly or rudely to him, though he always saw some charm in it. At least she was always honest with him about what she was feeling without hiding under the mask of formality. And he in fact needed to hear many of her harsh words or he would never have learned from his mistakes in his treatment of her.

When he thinks about it now he understands that the Queen made a wise choice by explaining everything to him. He noticed changes in her as well, but never questioned it, thinking she became softer because of her pregnancy. Now that their son is a few months old, he can’t use it as an explanation anymore. And he knows from his own experience with Hwa-Jin that pretending that everything is normal can hurt someone even more than the inconvenient truth. It looks like the women in his life continuously provide him with valuable lessons.

The pavilion the King chose for his dive into his memories was always a silent witness of the Queen’s changing behavior. Here he met her for the first time after he declared her as his future wife and the Queen of this country. She came to greet him with eyes full of hope and a smile on her face. But all she received from that meeting was disappointment. Cheoljong had decided right away that he couldn’t grow close to her, so he spoke to her in a distant, formal tone with curt responses, showing how much he was not interested in speaking with her.

Sometimes Cheoljong pretended he was too busy to even meet with her. He also made no attempt to hide his visits with Lady Hwa-jin. Playing that cruel role was hard for him at first, especially when Soyong looked so sad and confused, silently wondering what she did wrong. With every passing meeting she looked more and more discouraged, until he noticed unshed tears in her eyes.

Cheoljong even started questioning if he had chosen the right path, but around the same time, he started hearing rumors about the Destined Highness’ cruelty towards attendants in the palace. She would punish maids and eunuchs left and right for any small grievance that irritated her, whether it was a laugh, a sidelong glance, or even breathing too loud. Soon after, she received a new title as the palace witch. Cheoljong felt relieved that she had shown her true face at last! He was almost tricked by her all too innocent look. Consequently, he thought his hatred towards her was justified.

But what a fool he was! He should’ve recognized her act, as he had to wear a mask himself, but somehow he didn’t notice hers. And when he rejected her yet again, she tried to take her own life at the lake. If she had succeeded in it, he would have never known the real Kim Soyong. Never known how wrong he was about her. Never known that for saving his life eight years ago he repaid her with pushing her to suicide and a sword to her throat. That thought alone makes him feel cold inside.

They met again in the very same pavilion after her suicide attempt and she was completely different: rude and bold, her face and clothes covered in dirt. The perfect maiden was gone.

“After having a near-death experience, I have so much anger,” she had told him.

Later he found out how much angrier she had become. She did not hesitate to spit hurtful truths into his face. He realized how all his excuses as to why he had to be so cruel to her and tried to harm her right after their wedding sounded so pitiful. She did not choose her family when she was born, just as he did not choose his. Perhaps it would have been easier for him to live his life as a commoner on Ganghwa Island, but fate had other plans for him.

The Queen became so unpredictable that he couldn’t help but take a closer look at her. He assured himself he had to do it because his plans and the Andong Kim clan’s plans might depend on her. But was it really necessary to look at how she genuinely smiled while dancing under the rain? Was it necessary for him to admire her from afar back then?

And now, a year later, he’s in deep thoughts yet again. What kind of person is the Queen? Why did he like her in the first place? Her kindness and honesty were the first things that made his heart waver. She didn’t know he was the King and yet she took care of his wound. She didn’t like Hwa- Jin and yet saved her from beheading by revealing the truth. She speaks her mind freely and she doesn’t hide her feelings. If she’s angry, she shows it. If she’s happy, she laughs and smiles brightly.

This is not how noble ladies are taught to behave. They are supposed to hide their emotions and quietly accept whatever burden others place upon them. The Queen may have become more soft and polite, but she still has all the character traits that he likes.

Cheoljong remembers how his wife rejected almost all his efforts to show his sincere feelings. She was torn on whether to accept him or not, to forgive his mistakes or not. Sometimes she drew him closer with tenderness. Other times she came up with new rules and built walls between them. On many occasions both things would happen in one day. The unpredictable side of her is now gone, but he likes the new predictable parts of their relationship, when he can hug her without fear that she will push back.

Another thing that has changed is their late-night conversations about politics. He used to be her best apprentice, learning about political systems, voting and constitutions. Now they discuss the future of Joseon as equals, and they share ideas with each other and talk about how to improve people’s lives. Of course, they don’t agree on everything, but instead of losing her temper as she used to, the Queen patiently and politely explains her point of view.

The Queen changes constantly and Cheoljong finds something new to love about her every time. As he gets ready to sleep after spending the whole day thinking and analyzing his wife’s behavior, the king thinks that the decision his Queen asked him to make wasn’t that difficult. He puts the red ribbon into the Queen’s Dictionary and closes it. Those two chapters of their life are over and he’s ready for new ones.